he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I think your dad took our porno
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
