you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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