i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
