I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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