end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
