I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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