Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I don't want my vagina anymore.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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