he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
