every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
