just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
