Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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