I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
