Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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