it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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