I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
do nipples grow back?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
