I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
