when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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