i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
