I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
