we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
