I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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