God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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