R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
