I'm eating all of the evidence.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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