If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
