i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I want her autograph on my taint
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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