Pants 0. Shit 1.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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