Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I think im going to throw up on grandma
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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