No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
