Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
