Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
