shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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