how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
