If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
3pm strippers are depressing
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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