my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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