My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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