My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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