I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
