9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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