ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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