I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
