Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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