I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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