I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
