we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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