I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
