Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
