dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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