I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
