i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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